Experiments in Independence

There are no restrictions beyond the ones that we give ourselves. So often when I feel that I cannot do something, it is me who is saying I can’t, not circumstance or the universe. If I say that I cannot wear pink because it looks badly on me, so it is. If I decide that I can wear whatever I want I can.

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Last night I decided to go for hotpot and ice-cream because I really felt like it. Initially, I was going to wait around until some other people arrived back at the hostel, but in truth, I didn’t really want to go with them anyway. It can be incredibly wearisome to have to wait on others, especially a large group, in order to make a decision. At 30 years old, I think it may just be safe to step beyond that. Besides, what is the point of taking a solo journey across to the other side of ones planet if time is to be spent pandering to the desires of a group of people I don’t even know? Something about that seems hopelessly dependent and pathetic. I’m almost certain that I would likely have ended up not having hot pot anyway. So many in the group seem to have come to Thailand to experiment with how much they can pay for boring North American food they can easily eat at home but will have here because they are unwilling to open their minds or palettes.

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So even though hotpot is usually a group kind of meal, I decided to go and have it alone. With my book in had of course.

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It was glorious! I ordered the ingredients I wanted and ate greedily all while noting that I got only a few casual looks from other attendees. They were far to focused on their delicious to care too deeply about my little meal. I took my time and savoured my soup reading bits of my book in between. I then sauntered, full and happy, over to the ice-cream shop for a tasty treat.

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It was such a small thing, but I felt stronger for it. After a month of occasionally moonlighting with the group, growing irritable, and then going on my own – I am flying solo the rest of this trip. I am meeting other solo travellers for the occasional respite, and experiencing what I want to experience, selfish in my concern for the needs of others in a group that is like a baby feeder program. What a refreshing feeling that leaves me feeling proud, oddly. It’s just food.

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It’s not like I haven’t done things here alone before. I have done quite a bit of solo trekking. But somehow I had built up a wall around going for hotpot on my own. I will now say on my own instead of alone. The connotation is so different. It was just me telling myself that this was somehow unacceptable. In actuality, it was a welcome change.

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I suspect that there is much more in my life that I unnecessarily say not to, making barriers for myself that don’t really exist. I see others doing it all the time. I guess I am not immune to the folly.