I didn’t expect that I would be less alone. I didn’t expect that I would somehow be less lonely. I just thought that maybe I would handle it differently. I think now, that that is just as silly as the thought that it would be different. Of course it all seemed different for a bit. But then I went ahead and settled into the old me again. The same old me that is always there, not really an old me. I haven’t changed quite yet just my surroundings have. Nothing earth shattering has happened but my surprise at being the same.
I don’t like myself. I realize that. I’m not sure I can expect others to do so. There are so many things about myself I despise and am embarrassed about. With that present it makes it more difficult to navigate any new contacts. And I am crushingly blunt and honest. I’m not good at lying to myself and often don’t see the point in lying to others. This is often a mistake. If I would cover myself more less to dislike would be seen.
I’m not sure what it was within me that made me decide to come here. I know I wanted something much more than an internship. Either something I lost or something I needed to discover. I think deep down I thought I would be different here because it is such a new place. But ever so sadly it is still me. Except I can’t remember what I loved. Oops
I think that his decision to not like me back has reminded me of all the bad things in life. And it has reminded me that I don’t know what I want or why I do things. Somehow, it sucked all the light out. Somehow the darkness came here with me. I haven’t felt so unimportant in some time. And I cannot forget. I’m not sure I even want to. I have sold myself on a concept I don’t even understand.
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